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by Ted Blishak   Febuary 1, 2012


Wall Street February 1st, 2012. Reported by Ted Blishak  

Santa announces belt tightening for 2012. In a surprise move today, Santa Claus announced he is moving his workshop from the North Pole to an as yet unnamed city in southern China. In a press conference Mr. Claus claimed, "It's a logical move, as all of our toys are now made in China anyhow. We contemplate saving around 300 trillion dollars every year by locating both our manufacturing and distribution centers in China. With proximity to a limitless labor pool, and with the rising costs of Elf labor, I decided to lay off all the Elves. Chinese laborers will work for a fraction of what the lowest paid Junior Elf demands in the unionized North Pole. My Elves will be okay due to the extension of unemployment benefits. Since there is little chance of them finding alternate employment at the North Pole, the Elves may have to immigrate to countries that offer better job opportunities. The money I've saved by this change I'll invest in offshore banking accounts to reduce my tax burden.

Santa's traditional sleigh, 8 reindeer power..

"Moreover, I have reluctantly put my reindeer out to pasture. The costs of reindeer food and veterinary care has skyrocketed in recent years. This was a sound business decision according to my financial advisors. Of course, there will be attrition due to starvation and wolves, but this is to be expected in the wilderness."

Distribution of toys will now be carried out by government surplus drones controlled from my facility here in China. 

"Note to the kiddies: Don't bother putting out milk and cookies next Christmas, for I will no longer be making personal visits down your chimney. Drones will deliver the goods much more efficiently, and their fuel costs will be offset by the huge savings of not having to heat my North Pole workshop and stables. (And I can stay cozy and warm here on the south coast of China on Christmas Eve!)"

"I have cleared my calendar by eliminating visits to department stores and shopping malls during the December Holiday Season. Children can now make their Christmas requests by phoning our new worldwide number, (900) SNT NICK, at only a $1.95 per minute. These calls will go to my new Saint Nick Call Center in Bangladesh. Also, I must warn you, letters to Santa will be shredded and recycled unopened. If you kids insist on writing a letter to Santa you may post it on Facebook or send a text message from your iPhone. I have made an app available at the end of this press release to make your texting easier than ever."   Santa revealed the he's tired of living on Coke, milk, and cookies.  It has added to his girth and put him at risk for strokes, heart attacks, and diabetes.  He intends to adapt to his new location by dining on the same food that keeps his Chinese hosts thin -- egg foo yung and chow mein.  

He has recently developed a taste for luxury which will be satisfied by his investing his funds in derivatives and watching his wealth grow. After living for centuries in what amounts to little more than an igloo, he is developing plans for a luxury mansion to be constructed near his new shipping warehouse in China. Since a sleigh would be difficult to navigate in his new, warmer climate, he has ordered a bright red V-12 sport car from the folks at Ferrari. 

"If this is good enough for the top 1%, then it will be good enough for me", exclaimed Santa, adding "I am tired of living in the lower 99 percentile."

Santa's new sleigh, a Ferrari FXX Evolution, The FXX’s 6262 cc V12 engine can punch out a massive 860 hp and has a top speed of 249 mph

When asked if he might be taking too many risks with his investments in derivatives, he responded by saying that he is not worried. If the investments turn sour, he is confident he will be bailed out by the government. 

"After all, I am to big to fail", he said in closing.   Contributed by Ted Blishak, roving reporter.

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